WWE is once again pleasing their Universal corporate masters by producing a new reality show, Total Divas, on the fabled E! network. The “!” is because this is exciting. Since it is our duty to consume anything professional wrestling, we here at Kayfabe Comedy proudly present the Total Divas Power Rankings, to determine who is the totalest Diva of them all. We evaluate the divas on their core attributes, “Smart, sexy, and powerful” and whatever miscellaneous Diva qualities they exhibit from week to week. This week’s qualities are “Ability to correctly pronounce ‘Fandango’” and “Information Withholding.”
1) Dean Ambrose (last week: UR)
THERE WAS A BRIEF SHOT OF DEAN AMBROSE AND HE’S THE BEST BECAUSE HE’S IN THE SHIELD AND FUCK EVERYONE ON EARTH WHO ISN’T THE SHIELD
2) Fandango (last week: UR)
In a world where Naomi is called “Trinity” and Daniel Bryan is called “Bryan Danielson”, Fandango remains Fandango. Who does everyone in WWE universally agree is the hottest act of the day? Fandango. Who can tell Eva Marie he’s going to think about her in the shower, and then clarify it with “In the shower”? Fandango. Who can work an aggressive hug game, kiss his own hand, and not come off like a scared 8th grader? Fandango. Who is the man that makes the girl he’s working on game on feel like garbage by shutting down the dance rehearsal after one go round? Obviously, it’s Fandango.
If there’s anyone that exhibited the smart, sexy, and powerful attributes of a WWE Diva this week, it is FAWN. DAWN. GOOOOOOOOOO.
3) Brie Bella (last week: 4)
“I was nervous about seeing John’s house, but there’s something very comfortable about it here.” – My paraphrase of Brie Bella.
Gee, I wonder what that could be? Perhaps it is the opulence of John Cena’s paint-by-numbers Florida mansion? Perhaps it is the oh-so-important sun that you need? Amazing how after two years of dating Daniel Bryan she never once noticed that Washington State is rainy. Also, in true Diva fashion, Brie states in a confessional that true love is about sacrifice, but she also deserves certain things in her life. You know, the sacrifice of getting what you want.
Of course, all was not bad this week for the Bella twin. She cheated to win a match before it got reversed via DQ and won a wood chopping contest. She also looked better in her wood chopping outfit then her bustier sister, which is an amazing feat I can’t believe I’m typing.
4) Nikki Bella (last week: 3)
Pop quiz hot shot: let’s say you’re driving around in your multi-millionaire body builder boyfriend’s Maserati. You’re speeding down the highway in Tampa, Florida when all of a sudden you get pulled by the local police. What do you do? What do you do?
Well if you’re Nikki Bella, you flash your new, giant fake breasts and get out of the ticket.
Ordinarily, this is a strong example of smarts, sexiness, and power, but Nikki’s other actions bring her down a few notches. She again displays how insecure she is because Eva Marie just tweeted the words “John Cena” and needs to show off the elevator from the shoe room in Cena’s “crib.” Bet on this fake relationship ending at the end of season one of this fake show.
Bonus points for the most irony free moment of the show when she was trying to give sage advice, but got interrupted because she was walking through a field of dog crap. Apparently, Nikki Bella represents the audience.
5) Naomi (Last week: 1)
A Diva knows what works. It’s not about showing the most skin or having the best moves. No, a Diva knows how to work for herself. True, the outfit she had to wear before going out for the biggest show in company history was barely ready on time despite being totally ready for the dress rehearsal a few days earlier, but that’s no reason to go to a new seamstresses. Because what’s a mildly emphemenate man from western Florida going to do? I’ll tell you what he’s going to do: he’s going to create some boxxy lime green thing that smothers your chest and causes such serious camel toe the E! network is going to blur over your pelvis.
6) John Cena (last week: UR)
Remember when John Cena used to be super into rapping? THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH YOU GUYS.
Real talk: John Cena has an amazing house. NO ONE DENIES THIS. But it’s so…bland. It has a “cigar room” and a shoe closet with an elevator and a huge pool area and a normal garage, but with GREAT CARS. John Cena has the house of a B-List rapper from 2000 on MTV Cribs, except he didn’t realize that all the cool stuff there was rented for the show. I know, can you believe that a professional wrestler got worked by MTV? WHAT A MARK!
Still- did you see him chopping all that wood? Damn girl, that was pretty sexy. And a private jet? Pretty sexy and powerful. Now if only he didn’t look so damn stupid going down a waterslide.
What a goober
7) Eva Marie (last week: 2)
It’s already official that Total Divas is the Eve Marie Show and the only reason she even has a WWE contract (if she even does) is to be on this show. Because even if everything is contrived and Total Divas is (gasp!) fake, there is still some reality to it. The WWE Divas do have to tour, they do have to train, and they do have to do things for WWE. There are only so many hours in the day, so they can’t do everything the E! producers may want. But what about this unknown girl? She can be a plot device all around.
How else do we explain what happened last night? In roughly 15 minutes of screen time Eve Marie talked to Fandango about being his new valet, pitched the idea to talent relations, told Jojo she lied about dancing, introduced her boyfriend who surprised her, got engaged, met Fandango for dinner without her engagement ring, met Fandango in a club, auditioned to be his valet, and then pissed off senior management to close the episode. THIS WAS AN ENTIRE SEASON’S WORTH OF STORY.
Regardless, if her story is “Eva Marie is dumb and will fall on her face everytime” she will always have a place in the power rankings. At least until there’s a diminishing return on the “Sexy idiot.”
8) Cameron (last week: 7)
“Hay gurl, im like super pised @ Miz Sandra cuz the clothes she makes us r tres unsexy. And shes late all the time on them. And when you cross Arianna it no no boo boo.”
“So I made a call to some guy who can whip out some sparkly lime stuff that will make people go ‘DAM GIRL!’ and yull luv it although dont tell jonny uso cuz he won’t get it. But whatevs gurl, we’ll look hot.”
“What do you mean you can’t wear this stuff? IT’S SO CUTE! Huh? You’re whole vag is hanging out? What’s a TV PG show? Melina vs Alicia Fox never had this problem. UGGG FINE…let’s go see Miss Sandra and have her fix it for you.”
“Well Sandra, you’re too slow for us, that’s why! Management told us they wanted sexier clothes! OF COURSE THEY WOULD TELL US THE TALENT AND NOT YOU, PRODUCTION WITH THAT IMPORTANT PRODUCTION NOTE! What? UGG, FINE TRINITY! Listen Sandra..my B….fix her stuff now. HUH? I SAID ‘MY B’, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? UGGG…FINE! imsorrry.”
“Sandra, I’m very sorry for going behind your back and now please fix her outfit so we can wear these outfits I want and did not consult anyone about. Yes, this is my genuine voice that I don’t use when I’m being sarcastic. YOU WON’T HELP?! NOW I NEED TO WEAR THIS OLD OUTFIT THAT DOESN’T HIGHLIGHT MY SMALL BREASTS!”
Being Cameron must be the worst.
9) Miss Sandra (last week: UR)
If there’s anyone who does her job poorly and then gives you shit about it, it’s Miss Sandra. Total diva.
10) Daniel Bryan (last week: UR)
You know that guy we all love who seems to be very green and environmentally conscious? Yea, that guy has no problem taking two private jet flights cross country and driving a truck around. Or taking a private bus to the private airfield and eating sushi on the private airfield even though he was a vegan (I don’t think he is anymore, but STILL).
Still hard to hate a man who is proud of his parent’s furniture and looks awesome chopping wood.
Lingering question remain about who is taking care of Josie the Dog.
Unranked: Natalya, Jojo, JBL’s music playing in the background to a big pop, Stephanie McMahon, various animal waste, red velvet doughnut, Eva Marie’s barf-inducing boyfriend, The Original Fandango Angel.
Total Divas Week 2 Spreadsheet